confessions of a food addict

OK,
So, I have been feeling a bit bad about myself lately. I know most if it has to do with my weight. Last year I was at a point that I hit a weight I have never been before. I did a drastic thing. I convinced myself that If I had a lipo surgery I would get down to a manageable weight that would allow me to exercise easier and help my lame knee. Well after then convincing my hubby that it would be well worth the money I had it done. I felt marvelous! it was grand! But I didn't learn. I still didn't exercise. .I still made poor food choices (I should have used that money to remodel the bathrooms I have been waiting so many years for.)

Well, here I am 16 months later, depressed, unmotivated, and LARGE! I have surpassed my highest weight by many pounds and can't even bare to pass a mirror. It kills me to even glance at myself as I brush my teeth.

But, I have tried buying only healthy foods and snacks, I find my self "sneaking" off to fast foods and bakeries. I feel I have lost all self control. I don't even know how to eat properly anymore.
The motivation just isn't there. The disappointment is not a big enough motivator. I have many excuses and they are very VERY good excuses. But that is what they are --excuses. I need a way to be stronger than the lazy sugar craving maniac that shares my brain.

Today, I had a mental picture motivator. Today, I walked into the bathroom and actually faced my reflection. I thought to myself I am like Ralphy's little brother (from the Christmas story) -- "I can't put my arms down!" Only sadly I do not have on multiple layers of coats. It is just me. I think that mental picture is going to get me through my next hurdle. But not even an hour later I find myself in the kitchen with my second handful of chocolate chips.
And now you know my own personal hellish secret.
Hi I am Amy and I am a food-a-holic. I am slowly shortening my life with the poisons of refined sugar and grease. But I do not seem to care.

Today, I feel like I suck.
Now, I will feel better tomorrow, I won't be beating myself up over this, but I will probably be just as unmotivated as always.
It is just one of those days. Please ignore this post. I just wanted to write it out. I am letting off negative steam you might say.